A lack of available rose wine and a questionable alternative scuppers Chris Sullivan's sobriety on Day Four of the Cannes Film Festival as he checks out the latest Pirates of the Caribbean offering and is far from impressed.
Another day another hangover. Last night it was the turn of the film magazine, Little White Lies to host a bash that celebrated the launch of the lovely, Mafalda Borea’s web site MUBI.
A portal that celebrates 50 years of Semaine de la Critique that showcases up and coming talent where one can stream a selection of any of the films from the retrospective showing in their country completely free. However this only applies to the first 1,000 views of each film so you’d better pull your finger out.
The bash was at the Carlton beach bar but unfortunately they ran out of the rose and instead, I was compelled to settle for the wife beater – AKA Stella Artois. Maybe the finest producer of hangovers in the world. I’d actually forgotten why I don’t drink it. Now I know - Oh yes my head feels as if I’d lent it out to a dozen Irish blokes on St. Patrick’s day and now they‘ve had their way with it and given it back broken.
Matters weren’t helped by me carrying onto the VIP Club, where Duran Duran were to play, and drinking about four vodka Red Bulls or by me getting back and downing even more vodka then getting in the hot tub at 5 am. But you know what they say: ‘you’re only young once.'
Fitting then that today’s flick isn’t too demanding. Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, directed by Rob Marshall, who helmed the appalling Chicago, followed by the utterly embarrassing Nine, and now the thoroughly hopeless On Stranger Tides.
A film whose plot is harder to fathom than Chinese algebra for Caucasians and more forgettable, it boasts a puerile script featuring in-jokes that an eleven-year-old public schoolboy would be embarrassed to retell.
And as for Depp, I’ve never rated him, but this performance is a travesty as he annoyingly minces around like a Widow Twanky (a pantomime dame) in locks and enough eyes make-up to make Dusty Springfield wince. Indeed, he and Marshall bring down the rest of the cast (Geoffrey Rush, Kevin McNally, Judi Dench) who, all capable thespians are like the walking dead in this flick.
I think I died twice watching this big bag of bilge. I know fans of Depp and the franchise will say, ‘oh but it’s a parody and he is a caricature and he is hamming it up and he knows what he is doing!' But I know that. My contention is that he does it particularly badly.
'I think I died twice watching this big bag of bilge'
"I’ve spent 3 or 4 years watching cartoons with my kids”, informed the actor at the press conference. “ And realized the great respect I have for cartoon characters and thought wouldn’t it be great to become Bugs Bunny.” "The biggest challenge was keeping a straight face when I was acting with Johnny”, added co-star Penelope Cruz. Funnily enough I had no problem keeping a ‘straight face’ while watching it. A dreadful and instantly forgettable film.
Curiously, the best on screen performances I’ve seen so far have been by unknowns. Yesterday, Ezra Miller almost stole the show as a teenage mass murderer in We Need To Talk About Kevin (which should have been titled Kevin Needs a Clout Round the Ear) but was matched by the young actor, Jasper Newel who played him as a kid.
Today it was the turn of another minor, newcomer Thomas Doret, to shine in the Dardenne Brothers La Gamine au Velo. As the 11-year-old angry and disaffected Cyril, whose mother is dead and whose revolting deadbeat father has disowned him with the words: "Don’t came see me again," the fledgling thespian turned out a performance that pushed all the buttons.
Cyril simply can't comprehend being abandoned but hooks up with Samantha (Cecile de France), a caring hairdresser who compassionately agrees to watch Cyril on the weekends but doesn’t quite know what she's let herself in for. People inferred that this is a Palme D'Or contender but although a good effort, I wouldn't pay to watch it.
Onwards and sideways.
Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides opens on Friday
Want more?
- Popcorn Diaries at the London Film Festival
- Visit the official Cannes Film Festival website
- More movie news on redbull.com
- More from Our Man In Cannes
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